


Only In My Imagination

by deanbennylife (kams_log)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Can be read as Gen or Slash between Dean & Benny, Closure, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s11e08 Just My Imagination, Friendship, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, Old Mistakes, Possible Relationship, Post-11x08, Post-Episode: s11e08 Coda, Post-Just My Imagination, Reflection, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:43:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kams_log/pseuds/deanbennylife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam realizes parallels between his relationship with Sully and Dean’s relationship with Benny. </p><p>(Or: the one where Sam recognizes old mistakes and addresses them.)</p><p>A/N: I’ve noticed some people getting mad about how Dean responded well to Sully and decided to trust him in the end when Sam essentially destroyed Dean and Benny’s relationship. I wanted to rectify that, because I don't believe Sam meant to hurt Dean or Benny. </p><p>Sam confronts some old mistakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only In My Imagination

“He was just... there for me, you know?” The witness was sniffling. Sam watched with tired eyes as Dean grabbed a tissue box and passed it over to the young woman, patiently waiting out her running nose. When it was over, she continued, voice cracking, “H-He never let me down. Not ever. He stuck by me through everything. I can’t imagine he’s just... gone.”

Sam glanced at the pictures on the mantle. There were photos from all across the world, featuring the witness and her husband. They looked genuinely happy together. The police at the precinct had warned them ahead of time that this wasn’t a simple murder. Most cases the police would immediately assume the spouse did it. It seemed everyone could agree this would  _not_ be the case for this couple.

But the Winchesters covered all their bases. Supernatural or otherwise. So far, they were coming to the same conclusion as the police. This woman was definitely not involved. She gave no evidence of being a creature of any kind or harboring any ill will toward her spouse.

Sam hoped that didn’t prove to be false in the coming days of their case.

“Y-You know,” the woman interrupted, suddenly, as though just remembering. “Once, right after we got married, my father still thought my husband was... bad for me. He called me to the other side of town to meet while a friend of his tried to beat my husband. H-His excuse was... ‘Scare ‘im away or kill him. He’s bad for you.’” The woman rolled her eyes and blew her nose again. “He’s in prison now.”

Sam winced in sympathy. 

“Again, we’re so sorry for your loss,” he replied, years of interviews paving the way to his next questions. “Do you have any idea who might have wanted to hurt your husband?”

“Other than my father?” The woman scoffed, bunching the tissues in her lap. “Not really. My husband was a good man. He came from a rough past and a bad family of his own. But he got out of that place, moved to a new state, got a new life. I met him long after those troubles had ended, and he gave no indication that they’d still want to hurt him. My husband was a  _good man_.”

Dean shifted to Sam’s left, causing the younger Winchester to look over. He was surprised by the softness in his brother’s eyes. It wasn’t common for Dean to get emotionally attached to whatever story a witness was sharing, true or false. It was odd seeing  _that_ look  _here_. 

“Everyone we’ve talked to seems to agree,” Dean said gently. “Before we came here, we were told that you two had a pretty tight relationship.”

The woman smiled, lips wobbling. “We did. It was... pure, in a way. It was like he was there to fill a gap in my life that I needed, and me with him. We completed each other in a way I never really... thought possible.”

Dean nodded and stood, offering his hand to the woman. “Thank you for your time. We’ll be sure to let you know if there are any developments in the case.”

The woman nodded silently and watched the brothers leave. 

It wasn’t until they were safely out in the car that Sam voiced his thoughts.

“You looked kind of ghosty in there. Something on your mind?”

Dean shook his head and keyed the ignition. “Nah. She just... reminded me of someone, I guess.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. Her story had reminded Sam of someone as well. It’d only been a week since Sully came back into his life. It’d given him lots of time to reflect, remember the time he had with his imaginary friend. Sully had been a constant, filling a gap in Sam’s life that he’d desperately needed. Sully was there for him in a way no one else could be. 

He smiled at the memory, thankful that he now had closure for it. 

“Sully?” He asked, knowing Dean certainly had some issues with the Zanna until the end. “Cause I understand if you still have some reservations about--”

“No.” Dean raised a hand, still. Sam waited. When Dean replied, it wasn’t until they were out on the freeway and speeding sixty miles an hour. 

“It reminded me of Benny.”

+

 _Benny_. That was a name Sam hadn’t thought about in two... three years, now? Even after everything that happened, Sam still couldn’t help the swirl of distaste that filled his mouth.

Back when everything had happened, Sam was a mess. He’d lost touch with reality in a way he never thought he would. He abandoned Kevin, Garth, everyone. He didn’t look for his brother or Cas. He just... drove away. In his mind, everything had just ended right in front of him. As far as he was aware, Dean and Cas were dead. 

Something broke inside of him when he lost them. Sam didn’t know what it was, but it had, and it left him reeling for over a year, barely grounded by Amelia who was spiraling just as fast as him. Somehow they made it work.

But then Dean was back, and he’d been in  _purgatory_. Not only that, but he’d been hightailing it with a  _vampire_. Sam didn’t get all of the details until later, but soon enough, he knew there was a vampire running around topside and it was because of Dean that the thing was alive, doing who knew what to whoever he wanted. 

Sam thought it was justifiable to be angry. They didn’t make friends with monsters. It should have been a fact. Every time they tried it always ended in horror. Dean should have known better.

Sam thought he’d been doing the right thing in putting a tail on Benny, in stopping Dean and Benny’s relationship. But then Dean fought back. He sent Sam running back to Amelia on a fake text so he could buy time to protect Benny, and supposedly, Sam as well. 

A hunter died, but Benny’s name was supposedly ‘cleared’ of wrongdoing. Dean made it obvious who his loyalties rested with.

It had hurt. Deeply. It was like an ache that rattled deep in Sam’s bones, making it hard to breathe every time he looked at his brother and knew the choices he was making; Dean’s choices that looked too familiar to Sam’s past for comfort. 

Even after Dean sacrificed Benny to save Sam and Bobby’s lives, Sam still had mixed feelings about the vampire. Benny had proven, once and for all, that he’d truly meant well by Dean and the world. He was doing the right thing, every time, and Sam hadn’t believed it until he saw it with his own eyes.

He should have trusted his brother. Instead, he still felt a bitter sting of jealousy. Dean had trusted a vampire over Sam. Dean had been best friends with a monster. Dean kept referring to his time with Benny as “pure” and something worthwhile. 

Sam wasn’t blind. He knew how much Dean cared about Benny. He saw it on Dean’s face when Sam was rescued from purgatory, and Sam had to deliver the news. Benny wasn’t coming back. 

Dean had been shattered, but like always, managed to keep all the pieces together until Sam wasn’t around. Or at least, until he  _thought_ Sam wasn’t around.

Sam wasn’t sure he’d ever forget the rattled and choked off sobs that night.

It was late. Sam shook the memories off his skin and wandered through the bunker halls to the kitchen, still reminiscent of Dean’s words muttered into the stagnant air. 

“ _It reminded me of Benny_.”

Benny. Sam huffed, still unsure of how to react. Should he react? Did he have a right to? 

They hadn’t discussed Benny since the trials. Another memory both of them tried not to mention or think about. 

Something about Benny’s memory was sacred to Dean, and Sam wanted to respect that. But it didn’t change the way his gut twisted whenever the vampire popped back into his thoughts.

Sam entered the kitchen and turned straight for the fridge. Inside were dozens of leftovers from Sully’s visit. Sam hadn’t touched any of it, long since giving up his candy obsessed days of youth. Dean, however, had found it in himself to eat the marshmallow covered nachos and jelly beans and lollipops. He was still working on the cake, and the pie was already long since gone. 

The younger Winchester smirked as he pulled out the carton of milk, leaving behind the candy stuffed fridge for the glasses in the cabinet. 

Sully. It was still odd, even now. Sully was real, and he was a Zanna. An entire race of imaginary friends for kids who needed companionship and trust. Sully had been everything Sam needed as a child. It was odd to think that their family of hunters had never even suspected that imaginary friends might be real and hanging out with children, let alone one from their own family.

If John had known, he’d have reacted worse than Dean and shoved a barrel of salt down Sully’s throat. 

The thought made him shudder, so he quickly pushed it away. 

But. Dean hadn’t liked Sully either. Dean wanted to kill Sully too. But he didn’t. He’d been visibly bitter, possibly jealous--which would always be a strange color on Dean’s face--and did everything in his power to show Sully that Dean didn’t like him.

But through it all, Dean never laid a finger on him. He never actually tried to attack him in any way. From the beginning Dean had been upset and jealous, but he’d been observant, even through his bitter quips and harsh language. He’d watched Sully carefully, as well as the other Zanna, and in the end decided that they were safe. 

Sam's fingers stilled around the glass. 

It wasn’t like Dean to let something go. His brother had always been quick to shoot first and ask questions later, especially since the mark. For two years, that seemed to be all of Dean’s vocabulary. Stab first, figure it out later. Even after the mark was gone and the Darkness was unleashed, Dean was going through the motions. It wasn’t about saving people. It was about dealing with the threat, no matter the reason, and ending it. Permanently.

This was the first time Dean took an immediate back seat to check things out, and decided the ‘monsters’ were safe.

“Huh,” Sam voiced to the empty room. He stared at the fridge, remembering how as soon as they were home Dean had plopped himself down in the kitchen and started polishing off the pie Sully had left in the middle of the sugar feast. 

Dean hadn’t given his usual snark about, “checking for poison, Sammy.” He’d just trusted it. Sat down and started eating. Didn’t even think twice. 

That couldn’t be right. Dean was distrustful of  _everything_. It didn’t make sense for him to not fight Sully whenever he had the chance during the hunt. It didn’t make sense that Dean’s only violence was his bickering. It was unsettling that after so many years of Dean not trusting another living thing, that he decided to trust... Sully. A Zanna. 

“ _It reminded me of Benny_.” 

Sam frowned and stared down at the glass in his hands. The story had reminded Sam of Sully. But it reminded Dean of  _Benny_?

His fist tightened around the glass as he chugged the milk down.

“ _Every relationship I've ever had has gone to crap at some point, but the one thing I can say about Benny, he has never let me down.”_

_“There was something about being there... it felt pure.”_

_“He’s my friend, Sam.”  
_

Sam felt acid on his tongue. He drained his glass and filled it with more, suddenly wishing he had something stronger.

“ _When I wasn’t there for my little brother... Sully was_.”

Yeah. Whiskey sounded good. 

He was halfway across to the liquor cabinet when Sam heard footsteps enter the kitchen. He turned to see Dean, standing much like he did the day Sully came back. His hair was rumpled, robe haphazardly thrown over his shoulders as though he hadn’t planned on getting out of bed. 

“What time is it?” Dean grumbled, rubbing his temples as he stepped in and walked toward the alcohol, Sam’s own destination.

“Didn’t really check,” Sam replied. He watched Dean pull out a bottle and snap off the lid. His brother took several long drags before he flicked his gaze back to Sam.

“You don’t usually get up at this hour.”

“And you do?” Sam asked, genuinely curious. He knew his brother slept horribly. It was a common Winchester trait, but one Sam tried not to live by. He preferred to stay lying in bed for all the necessary hours until it was no longer possible to sleep or avoid the daylight. Dean, on the other hand, would get up and work until he couldn’t move any longer. It was one of the many things that set them apart.

Dean grunted and closed his eyes, taking another swig of his warm beer. 

“I heard you up. Figured I’d check. What’s on your mind, sleeping beauty?” 

Sam watched in thinly veiled annoyance as Dean wandered to the table, plopping into a seat and popping his feet up on the one beside him. Dean’s gaze was steady and calm. It was unnerving, like he could see right through Sam and know exactly what he was thinking.

“It’s not really that important.”

“You do realize you’re standing three feet from the liquor cabinet.”

Sam’s jaw tightened. Dean took another drink.

Fine. If that’s how Dean wanted to play it, Sam could work with that.

“Benny.”

Dean’s eyebrows rose, lines creasing his face in a way that only meant stress was on the near horizon. Sam wanted to feel guilty, but his gnawing curiosity did him no favors. 

“You said... the witness’ story reminded you of Benny, after I said it reminded me of Sully.”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Dean snapped. “Can’t I make observations?”

“I’m not upset that the story reminded you of Benny,” Sam sighed. “I just... I think I just realized... I wasn’t fair.”

Dean’s back straightened. His eyes narrowed, and Sam didn’t miss the sharpening in his gaze. 

“I’m not tracking, Sam.”

“I just,” Sam groaned. He ran his fingers through his hair and opened the cabinet, pulling out another warm beer before he dragged his feet over to the table. Only once he was sitting, he continued, “I realized that Sully was really good to me. He was what I needed, a friend. He stuck by me like no one else could at the time. “

“He shouldn’t have had to,” Dean snapped. Sam raised a hand tiredly and nodded.

“That’s the point Dean. I realized... No, you realized that Sully was important to me, that he fulfilled a need for me. That he was there when no one else was. And you saw that, and you respected Sully for stepping in and taking care of me.”

Dean was silent. His green eyes seemed to glow in the low fluorescent lights. It made his brother appear unearthly, detached. Sam felt like he was being scrutinized, strategized. He could feel Dean’s mind working, making the connections, trying to find Sam’s motive for the speech.

That was okay. Sam wasn’t going to make Dean figure it out. Sam figured it out himself just fine.

“Benny was there for you when I couldn’t be,” Sam stated, watching as Dean’s eyes slowly widened, his shoulders pushing back and his posture stiffening. “Benny was your friend, your ally. He was important to you and he gave you something that I couldn’t give to you. And the difference between me and Sully, and you and Benny? Is that I didn’t respect what you had, Dean. I didn’t realize what you had, and I pushed Benny away until he felt like he had no place here with us. I destroyed one of your best friendships because I thought you hated me for leaving you in purgatory.”

“I didn’t hate you Sam--”

“I know that now,” Sam reassured, quickly. “I do. But I didn’t back then, and I was hurting and I lashed out. I thought I was doing the right thing when really I wasn’t. I see that now.”

Dean avoided his gaze. His eyes were fixed on the bottle between his hands, knuckles white and tense. 

Sam understood, in a way. They didn’t discuss Benny. Not ever. It was an unspoken rule. Benny was sacred. Benny was special. He meant a lot to Dean, possibly more than Sam would ever hope to know. Sam didn’t know if he was doing the right thing in dragging this all back up now, but he didn’t want Dean to feel like losing Benny was Dean’s fault when it never was.

“I...” Dean murmured, gaze still focused downward, “What’s brought this on?”

Sam shook his head, smiling tiredly. “I didn’t feel right. You let my friend go without a fight even though he’s a Zanna. You trusted me, so you trusted him. Back then, I didn’t trust you or Benny. I guess... I wanted to apologize. I know it was hard for you, and I know that better now, after Sully. But I needed you to know that I wish you could still have what you had with Benny. I need you to know that I won’t do what I did again. I need to trust you Dean, just like you trusted me with Sully.”

Dean scoffed, but it was weak and they both knew it. 

“What the hell am I supposed to say to that?” His brother asked, voice quiet and subdued. 

Sam shrugged.

“You don’t have to say anything, Dean,” he replied. “I just... I just thought you should know. I’m sorry.”  _I’m sorry I didn’t give you better._

Dean nodded slowly. The bottle twirled between his fingers delicately, eyes misty and unfocused. 

Sam took it as his cue to go. 

He laid in bed that night, staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours. He wondered what it would have been like, if he’d forced Benny to come back with him. If he’d made sure that Benny lived, returned to Dean. How much would be different? How much would have remained the same?

Sam’s gut still twisted whenever he thought of the vampire. But now, it was for a different reason. Now, his gut churned with the sudden and never ending thought...

What if he could bring Benny back?

**Author's Note:**

> me: lovefromdean.tumblr.com & deanbennylife.tumblr.com
> 
> thank you for reading! i hope you liked it :)
> 
> (please comment if you have some free time~again, thank you!)


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